


Stop Banging and TALK

by Aida



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Counseling, Fluff and Crack, Just a lot of crack you guys, Multi, Pairings and Tags Will Be Added and Changed
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-06-28
Updated: 2013-06-29
Packaged: 2017-12-16 11:56:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,833
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/861731
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aida/pseuds/Aida
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dr. Maybelle Butterbottom was one of the top hobbit Mind-Doctors (Psychologists) in all of Middle Earth, with many world-renowned books and satisfied customers. After her best-selling book was released, she began to focus more on counseling the couples of Middle Earth.</p><p>She might just regret this decision.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

  * For [HobbitFeels](https://archiveofourown.org/users/HobbitFeels/gifts).



> HobbitFeels.
> 
> Just... Blame HobbitFeels

Maybelle Butterbottom was both the pride and joy, and the shame of her family. As she apprenticed for her Mind-Doctor (psychology was a new word for it that would probably never pick up steam) degree, she travelled. To the mountains that were home to dwarrows, to the forests that were home to the elves, and even to the large towns of the men-folk. Such things were frowned upon, but she did it for the greater good. To learn about the minds of these people, besides the minds of her own, and to further her own education. 

In the end, such endeavors paid off. She had written many world-renowned books, helped many people with their problems, and managed to stop many wars because of her words. Not all wars, of course, but she was only one person, and no one seemed to be willing to try and assist her.

Over time, things had slowed down. People needed her, sure, but it wasn’t for stopping wars, or sparing someone’s life. While her purpose wasn’t as strong as it was before, she felt that it was still important. So, she thought, and worked, long and hard to try and find a calling that would make her feel fulfilled once again (and put more money into her retirement fund).

That was when she started relationship counseling. And business was _booming_.

Even when she released “Stop Banging and TALK!”, which held so many key points and was the most popular book she ever wrote, people still flocked to her for advice. 

Yes, she loved the money she was earning, but she loved the people she helped more. She was doing good work, saving many relationships and marriages, political and otherwise. Not once did she regret her decision to walk this path.

But once she was invited to a lone mountain in the East, she would find that she might regret it soon enough.


	2. King and Consort

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Maybelle goes through her first session with the King Under the Mountain and his Hobbit Consort

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Told you I'd have it up at some point!

Erebor, the once-lost and now reclaimed kingdom of the dwarrows, was quite a fearsome sight for a hobbit such as Maybelle. At least the Blue Mountains, the last one she had visited before settling in the outskirts of Bree so many years ago, seemed surprisingly friendly despite being a towering landmark and home. 

Yet, despite the large, dark hallways, closed-off mining shafts, and the faintest aroma of putrid dragon dung; nothing was more fearsome than the mountain’s King. 

From the moment she stepped inside their borders and now, she felt rather uncomfortable with the large dwarf’s narrowed gaze on her. Despite looking battered and bruised, limping about and wincing whenever he stood up or sat down, he also appeared rather irritated. Clearly, he didn’t want her there, and he certainly wasn’t the one who invited him. No, it was his Consort.

She heard of Bilbo Baggins, sometimes went to his very elaborate birthday parties years ago, but she couldn’t but feel a little awed. Here was a hobbit, a brave, tricksy hobbit from the Shire, who slayed goblins, orcs, spiders, and a _dragon_. All for the dwarf he loved. Truly, such a man would be able to solve whatever problems he had with his husband with ease. 

Apparently not, if the tension in the room was anything to go by.

“What would you like to talk about?”

As she asked this, Thorin grumbled, averting his gaze, shifting a little on the couch he sat on with his husband. Said husband shifted as well, dressed in the typical garb for a respectable hobbit, though the braids in his hair weren’t respectable in the slightest. Next to the king, he looked quite dressed down, as said dwarf was wearing royal robes with a crown adorned on his head. 

“Well, let’s see…” Bilbo muttered, Thorin glancing at him from the corner of his eye. “When we first met, we didn’t get along at all.”

“We did sometimes…” Thorin cut in, but froze when Bilbo sent him a look.

“He called me a _grocer_.” He continued, looking back at Maybelle. “And kept talking down at me! Said I was too soft, and that I should’ve never signed the contract!”

“It was a compliment!”

“No one wants to be called _soft_ , Thorin Oakenshield! And no one wants to be told that they don’t belong!”

“You were foolish, and I didn’t want you to get hurt!”

“Gentlemen!” Maybelle spoke out, as loud as she dared without screaming. Both froze, looking at her, and she just sent them a grin. “Obviously, such problems weren’t enough to keep you apart. After all, if they did, you wouldn’t be married in the first place.”

“Ah-Well… That’s true…” Bilbo muttered. “But I didn’t even know we were married until Bofur told me!”

Maybelle blinked, especially when Thorin growled at the mere mention of this third person. “You didn’t know?”

“No!” Bilbo cried, flushing a little. “Not… Not that I didn’t _want_ to…”

Something in Thorin’s eyes seemed to soften at those words, but Bilbo’s irritation came right back. “But he still should’ve told me!”

“I thought you knew!” 

“Oh yes! Of course the _hobbit_ , who didn’t know a single dwarf until thirteen of them landed on his doorstep, would know anything and everything about their ways!”

“ _Clearly_ , there are many communication issues going on here.” Maybelle cut in before they continued. “Let’s start with an exercise. We’ll have one of you talk, while the other just sits and listens. Your Majesty? Would you like to go first?”

From his fidgeting, he clearly didn’t want to.

“How about you, then, Mister Baggins?”

Thorin then grumbled about proper titles as Bilbo frowned in thought. 

“W-Well…” He murmured. “I do love you, Thorin. Love you more than anything, and you must know that. However, I… I feel like you have expectations of me… that I’m not meeting them. That you think I could just read your mind and I’ll know exactly what you’re thinking. I… and I know we talked about it, but I think you’re still angry about what I did with the Arkenstone, even after I explained myself. And I don’t think we talk enough. Every night when you come back to our quarters, you just take me to bed! And yes, I do… ahem… well, I just wish you’d tell me more about your day. About what goes on. I want you to trust me enough to tell me something is bothering you, but I don’t think you do.”

There was silence then, and Maybe nodded a little in approval. “Well, Your Majesty?”

Thorin blinked, then cleared his throat. “I… I never talked about my… _feelings_ …”

That much was evident to Maybelle, and she was worried that she’d have to try and coax more out of him, but he continued regardless.

“I never felt the need to. I couldn’t, really. Such things were, _are_ seen as weakness, and a king cannot be weak. I have done wrong by you, on multiple occasions, since we met, and I try not to talk about them for I fear that, if I do, you will think I am not… suited… That you’ll leave…” He spoke, wincing a little as he shifted the wrong way. “I don’t like talking about my days, for they are boring, and they only stop being boring when I'm with you. I’m only angry about the Arkenstone because of what it did to me, and that I wasn’t strong enough to fight it. I'm not angry with you, or what you did, for it helped me, in the end. It helped all of us. _Saved_ all of us... And I could never stop being thankful...”

Thorin took a deep breath, and Maybelle tried to make sure her smile didn’t look too smug. For it seemed that these two had made a breakthrough. And during their very first session! She truly was good at her work. And judging from the tears in Bilbo’s eyes, she mentally patted herself on the back.

But then Thorin sniffed. “I guess it’s my turn.” He said before rounding on Bilbo, who blinked at him. “It irritates me when you seem to ignore my words and do as you will. A Consort shouldn’t cook, clean, or do the laundry, yet you do it anyway. Thranduil can rot in his kingdom, for all I care, and yet you insist on having _tea_ with him! And you’re far too cozy with Bofur than I’m comfortable with!”

Maybelle watched with wide eyes as Bilbo shot up from his seat. “Excuse me, but if I didn’t do those things, no one will!”

“We have _people_ who are specifically _hired_ -!”

“They’ve ruined my clothes! Torn pockets, wrinkly trousers, and ink stains on my shirts! I hardly have any left, now! If I were to continue to let them do my laundry, I’d be forced into those formal robes every day!”

“At least it would be better suited for you, seeing as you’re _Consort_ to the _King_!”

“And I wear them to court and formal dinners, which is what you said! But I refuse to wear them just to go to the market! It’s just _asking_ to be mugged!”

“You wouldn’t have to worry about that if you just let me assign a guard to you!”

“Oh yes, like _that’s_ not excessive! And as for Bofur-!”

“ _Oh yes_! Please! Let’s talk about the man who’s clearly besotted to you!”

“He is _not_!”

Thorin now rose, ignoring Maybelle’s stuttering. “If you truly believe that, then you’re as blind as you are foolish!”

“If _you_ weren’t blind, you would see that he’s more interested in your best friend!” Bilbo snarled. “But at least he was nice to me when you were a brute!”

“I wasn’t a brute!”

“Oh, really? Shall I remind you what you told me when you saved me from certain death?”

“Which time? It certainly happened a lot!”

“And I repaid in kind, and _then_ some!”

Thorin snarled, tugging harshly on his hair. “You are a stubborn, bull-headed man who doesn’t see how important they are!”

“And you’re as dumb as a rock if you think I’m going to leave you for Bofur!”

Maybelle blinked, ears ringing as she watched the two men pant breathlessly, face flushed. She knew what would happen next, so she stood and stepped around her chair just as Thorin launched himself at Bilbo, practically devouring his face as the Consort snarled and assaulted back with equal fervor, tearing at his robes with a violence that was almost unnatural. 

As the two collapsed on the couch, she slipped out of the room, calling it a day. But not before placing a copy of her recent book on an end table as she passed. Better for them to rely on that instead of having another session. She didn't think she could handle her exit with such grace next time, especially if other sessions ended like _that_.

"Next couple, then..." She breathed over the moans that were echoing from the room she just left. "Oh, I do hope they don't stain the couch."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not just going to keep this as Bagginshield, just FYI. I'm going to do Kilbo, Boffins, Filbo, Dwaggins, FiKiBo, etc. Along with pairings consisting of just the dwarves.

**Author's Note:**

> Well, so far, I'm going to be focusing on a lot of the different pairings that can be found in the Hobbit Fandom. If you have any suggestions, let me know in the comments, in messages, or whatevs!
> 
> Just going to let you try and guess the first pairing, though.


End file.
